Folktale of a Furry Al Roker

Well, I think I speak for 90% of the United States when I say that it is FREAKING cold outside right now. As they would say on thefuckingweather.com: "It ain't jogging weather." But for those of us who are tired of dressing up like the Michelin man just to check the mail or make sure the family dog didn't freeze to the tree it was peeing on, there's a beacon of hope on the horizon. Wednesday February 2nd is Groundhog Day, the one day of the year where perfectly sensible human beings rely on an overweight rodent to forecast the longevity of winter. I doubt I'm the only one willing to sell my soul for an early spring and this year I'm countin' on the pudgy-fella to end this tortuous season.

A Hipster's worst nightmare

 But while we anxiously (or not so anxiously) await Wednesday morning, I'll amuse you all with the story of Groundhog Day and the freaking weird enthusiastic people who keep the tradition alive today.

It's widely believed that groundhog day originated from the European Christian tradition of "Candlemas day." If the sun shined on Candlemas day, a longer winter could be expected. This was bad, considering that back then people had to grow their own food and Toe Warmers hadn't been invented yet. Those early settlers brought that tradition to America and somehow, over the years a groundhog naturally became involved. The first modern celebration of Groundhog Day took place in Punxsutawney Pennsylvania in 1886, where the tradition still lives on today.

Today Groundhog Day is celebrated in Punxsutawney the same way it has been for the last 125 years, they even use the same groundhog!. Yes, Punxsutawney Phil has been making his yearly prognostications for well over a hundred years. How is that so? Well because every year he drinks from the Elixir of Life of course! Duh!  I'm not making this up. Punxsutawney Phil allegedly gets his longevity from sipping the Elixir of Life at the yearly Groundhog Picnic.

Ponce De Leon is Furious

So each year, up to 40,000 people with nothing better to do gather around Gobbler's Knob (hehe) and wait for Phil to emerge from his burrow and make his prediction. Perhaps emerge isn't the right word though, because every time I've watched it seems as if the poor fella is dragged out of his winter-coma and into the freezing outdoors. Anyways, the members of Phil's "Inner Circle," (Whose 25 members include the President, Secretary, Stump Warden and Sky Painter), gather around the burrow and await the much anticipated augury. Phil then makes his prediction to the President of the Inner circle, who then translates it for the rest of the world. Translates, you might ask? Well, Punxsutawney Phil is a groundhog, therefore he speaks, no lie, "Groundhogease," a language only the President of the Inner circle can understand. Yep. Look it up. 

Are they talking about me in a different language? Damn it!

Punxsutawney Phil might be the most famous groundhog in the world, but he's far from the only forecast making fur ball in the Western Hemisphere. In Ontario they have Wiarton Willie, who is a more realistic but still remarkable 22 years old and in the S.E. United States, citizens follow the word of General Beauregard Lee, who probably served in the Civil war.

When not hibernating or making predictions about the speed of the seasons, most groundhogs prefer to dig holes, eat grass and stand around in fields looking for something that might eat them. Also, for those simpletons who are unfamiliar with Groundhogease, here's a short but handy translation:

Here's to hoping for an Early Spring!